


A tower is built from the ground up

by direpenguins



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Existential Crisis, F/F, Gen, this terrible emotionally stunted family, white is awful and is also having a really bad time right now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22652593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/direpenguins/pseuds/direpenguins
Summary: “That sensation of being pulled toward someone because they have something you lack. Because you think youneedthem. Do you know what that is? It’s called love.”Three truths and one lie that White told the other Diamonds.
Relationships: Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 59





	A tower is built from the ground up

1.

The delay was Yellow’s fault, but that wasn’t the problem. The real problem, Yellow knew, was the reason behind it. The reason she, having been tasked with clearing organic life from the planet’s surface, had decided to put that off for last and focus instead on helping Blue survey suitable sites for Gem cultivation.

The planet’s organic life forms consisted for the most part of simple stalk-shaped growths that remained rooted in place, haphazardly absorbing resources from the air and soil. It was presumably the soil that gave them that vivid color, the color of the planet itself. Blue.

During the course of their survey Blue had wandered out into the midst of a thick forest of those stalks, which came up past her ankles and brushed against her calves. Her face as she studied them was focused, thoughtful. Perhaps she was thinking about how the color could indicate deposits of lazurite and sodalite, suitable for cultivating Lapis Lazulis. Or perhaps she had noticed how the color, and the entire planet, seemed to match her.

Yellow knew, of course, that Blue was like her. A Diamond with impurities in her makeup that resulted in a flawed form, lacking White’s brilliance and clarity. But in moments like that one, standing alone in the middle of that field watching organic stalks swaying in the breeze, Blue did not seem like anything was lacking from her. She was like something whole and complete in herself. Something perfect.

And then Blue had turned around, had noticed Yellow staring at her. And suddenly, in that moment, Yellow was perfect too.

White, of course, already knew all about it, even though she hadn’t been there to see. She always knew somehow. When she returned from home sector to find the planet still covered in organic growths, she immediately sent for Yellow to join her inside her Head.

“Yes, of course you failed to focus on your task,” White said, smiling like a dwarf star. “It’s obvious what happened. You watched her mooning about against that blue landscape, and you felt that little twinge, right here—” She tapped the tip of one finger lightly against Yellow’s gem. “That sensation of being pulled toward someone because they have something you lack. Because you think you _need_ them. Do you know what that is? It’s called love.”

Yellow blanched. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I—”

White held up one hand, and Yellow fell silent.

“It was inevitable, in your case,” White continued with a graceful shrug. “You only exist in... this state,” she used one fingertip again to indicate the entirety of Yellow in one sweeping gesture, “because of the influence of blue light on your spectrum. It’s a particular deficiency of yours.” She smiled again. “It feels good, doesn’t it, to indulge yourself?”

“I’ll compensate for the delay,” said Yellow. “I’ll have the planet cleared shortly. The injectors are already being—”

“The delay isn’t the problem.” White’s hand fluttered dismissively. “This delay is just one of a hundred million little disappointments. The problem is you. The fact that you are capable of forgetting what is real and what is not.”

“I wouldn’t—”

“The empire. The resources it requires, which this planet can provide. Those are real things, things of value. Whereas love is only a feeling, and feelings are even less substantial or purposeful than flowers in a field. If you really have any regard for Blue beyond your own self-centered impulses, you would stay on task and make sure she does the same.”

“She wasn’t at fault,” Yellow said. “I was.”

White’s laughter rang against the walls. “You think I don’t know that? Oh Yellow. Blue surely appreciates your attention... perhaps she even thinks she needs you in the same way... but that isn’t real either. In truth, she would be just as appreciative of anyone else who made her feel less alone in her deficiency.”

“But there _isn’t_ anyone else,” Yellow blurted out.

White only smirked at that, and Yellow knew that she had done it again—proven just how meager and needy and weak she really was.

2.

Under the aurora of White’s glare, Blue kept her back straight and her hands clasped together in front of her. Her eyes watered from trying to maintain eye contact. “It’s actually rather clever in a way,” she said. “See, Pyrites have a color and luster that gives them a superficial resemblance to—”

“You think I don’t know what ‘Fool’s Gold’ means?” White’s withering tone would have cleared a planet of organic life.

Blue flinched. “Of course. I mean, of course not. I mean—”

“There may be a fool in this situation,” White went on, “but it isn’t me. And it isn’t Pink, who was shrewd enough to dupe a more experienced Diamond into going along with one of her puerile pranks. Can you guess who the fool is?”

 _It’s me_ , Blue knew. _I’m the fool_.

It had started when she gave in to Pink’s pleas and allowed her to tag along to inspect the new Pyrite colony. Afterwards the smallest Diamond had peppered her with questions—the usual silliness that White would have known to dismiss outright, but Blue had engaged with despite her better judgment.

“What do you mean, _why_?” Blue had said, as Pink bounced along beside her. “Pyrite is what they are, so that’s what they’re called. And would you please stop that?” As small as Pink was, Blue sometimes had the urge to pick her up and let her sit on her hand as they moved from place to place, and perhaps to pet the soft hair atop her head; but it would have been undignified for a Diamond.

Pink managed to reign herself in and fall into a normal step beside Blue. “It’s just... what if they were called something else?” she said.

“They would still be Pyrites.”

“Exactly! So what does it matter if you call this one little batch of Pyrites something else?”

Blue could feel a wrinkle forming in her brow. “But why would you want to call them something other than what they are?”

“It would be interesting!” Pink insisted. She cast her eyes to the ground, suddenly sheepish. “Just... just for a change, you know?”

Blue didn’t know. She so rarely knew what to make of Pink’s strange whims, and yet Pink behaved as if these were perfectly logical and self-evident. Blue knew that it was probably the impurities in her own composition that caused her to be so fascinated with a Diamond who did things without any clear reason.

And now here she was having to justify Pink’s whimsy in front of White. “It didn’t seem like there would be any harm in letting her name them,” Blue pressed on. “And it gave her such amusement.”

“Amusement,” White repeated. “Yes, it is _so very important_ that Pink be amused.”

That had been the wrong tack. “At any rate,” Blue said hastily, “she’ll have time in the tower to think about how she needs to be more serious. I will speak to her—”

“Then she’ll come up with yet another _amusing_ idea, or have another one of her pouts, and you’ll crumble like a spire built on wet sand.”

White was right; she was always right. The truth was that Blue couldn’t help but be drawn into Pink’s orbit. When she looked at the sparkle in those little eyes, it made her feel like it was worth any number of Pyrites just to see her hold her head up and smile, to hear that laughter like a ray of sunlight shafting through a planet’s atmosphere.

Blue knew that this wistful, restive feeling was love. It was another one of her flaws that kept her from fulfilling White’s expectations.

“It’s just...” She squeezed her hands together. “Pink is such a curious little thing, you know...”

“I know.”

“So playful,” Blue soldiered on. “Such an odd way of seeing everything. Even worthless organics are like treasures to her. These little games of hers, they... they make her happy.”

“You mean they make _you_ happy,” White said. “And since your impurities prevent you from attaining perfection, you cling instead to something as tenuous and self-centered as happiness.”

Blue lost her struggle to maintain eye contact. Her gaze dropped instead to the floor, which gleamed almost as much as White’s face, reflecting back at her.

“Blue, you must see how I’m being very patient with you. Is it really fair for the Empire to suffer because you lack the fortitude to keep Pink under control?”

“No,” said Blue. “I mean, I won’t—”

“And what about Yellow? She’s already three hours behind schedule on her conquest of the Borp system. You know how she gets when she lacks focus. She’ll be thrown off even further when she hears about how we were made fools of for Pink’s amusement.”

Blue silently apologized to Yellow, knowing from experience that White’s anger over this incident was likely to spill over and affect her reaction to other projects.

Yellow would grumble later that “You have your own duties” and “You won’t do Pink any favors by coddling her.” And yet Blue had seen how her eyes would fix on the little Diamond and follow her around as if pulled by gravity, the way Yellow always did with someone she loved. Once Pink had told them a ridiculous anecdote about a Ruby who crossed Homeworld to get to the other side, and Blue saw that Yellow had to stifle a burst of laughter.

Yellow’s laugh was little-seen and precious, like a seam of glittering ore peeking out from underground. The thought of it warmed Blue’s courage. “It won’t throw her off,” she told White. “Yellow will accomplish her task. She likes to see Pink happy too. I know she does.”

White’s laughter was not a ray of sunlight. It was a sun itself, searing, relentless; and Blue found herself shrinking beneath it.

“You _know_ that, do you?”

“I...”

“Oh Blue. Yellow can be a _Gold Fool_ in so many ways, but there’s one thing she understands far better than you or Pink. She knows that it’s not our purpose to be happy.”

3.

Pink tried to keep her voice measured. “You said you would fix her.”

“And I did,” said White. “She’s much better now.”

“Yes, I’m much better now,” said Pearl in a voice that was not her own. “All thanks to White Diamond.”

Pink’s hands were shaking; she clenched them into fists. “She’s not—”

“ _Shhhhhhh_.” High above, White put a finger to her polished lips, and Pearl made the same gesture. “You’re not going to start going off again, are you?” they said in one voice, White’s voice.

 _She’s not better_ , thought Pink. _She’s_ you. _And her face still looks the way her gem did..._

But Pink knew that Pearl’s face was not White’s fault. “Does it hurt her? To be... like this?”

“Of course not,” said Pearl in White’s voice. “I removed all the bothersome thoughts and feelings that were preventing her from reflecting a pure light. Now her gem is serene and untroubled. You can take her back with you now, if you want to.”

Pink looked at the blankly smiling face of the Gem who she used to think would be by her side forever. Both Yellow and Blue had scoffed at the idea of loving a Pearl, but Pink didn’t know how else she could describe this feeling that Pearl made her happier than anyone, was closer to her than anyone.

But that day, Pearl had been too close.

The crack had remained on her face even after Shell repaired her gem. White had hollowed her out and taken away everything that made her Pearl, but even White couldn’t take the crack away.

Pink remembered Pearl’s laugh when the two of them would play games together in her room. She thought of that dainty, bubbling sound being replaced with White’s scornful laughter, filling up her room and resounding against the walls. She thought of having to stare at that crack until the end of time.

It made Pink want to howl and cry and beat her fists against the floor. But she didn’t do that anymore. Instead, she bunched up the frills of her short gauzy skirt between her fingers and chewed her bottom lip.

White chuckled. “No, of course you don’t want to. As expected, you would rather be rid of her the moment she ceases to be amusing. Poor little thing. After this, shattering her would be a kindness, really.”

Pink felt like her own gem might shatter, like it was being squeezed in a vise. “Don’t shatter her,” she whispered, loud enough to send vibrations up the walls. “You can’t. You _can’t_.”

“Calm _down_ ,” White snapped, a note of exasperation creeping in. Then, resuming her unconcerned tone, added “I’ll find some use for her. I always do.”

Pink kept her eyes averted, glaring into the corner.

“Look at you,” White said, “ready to throw another tantrum. At least you’ll soon have a place to get all this nonsense out of your system, out of sight, away from Homeworld.”

Pink’s head snapped up. She wasn’t sure she had heard correctly. “A... a colony?”

White’s laughter rang out loud and long. Pearl was laughing too.

“Oh _Pink_.” White dabbed a nonexistent tear from her eye. “You _are_ the funny one. No, Blue and Yellow are fitting out some asteroid with all those organic trifles that amuse you so. A little garden, all to yourself. They do like to indulge you.” She shook her head. “You don’t realize this, Starlight, but those two are enamored with you to a ridiculous degree. And no wonder, when your terrible behavior makes _them_ seem good in comparison.”

If they liked her terrible behavior so much, then why did they yell at her and lock her in the tower? Pink knew it was no less than she deserved; but part of her still hated that tower and would do anything to get away from it. “Why don’t they let me have an actual colony, then?”

White smirked, her eyes doing a delicate little upward roll. “Surely even you can see by now why you’re not fit to have a colony of your own. If you get a planet, you’ll just mess it up or get bored with it and then foist it off on Yellow or Blue, the way you foisted your Pearl off on me as soon as you broke her.”

Pink twisted her short skirt between her fists. “I didn’t... mean to hurt Pearl. I just...”

“You think I don’t know that? Of course you didn’t _mean_ to do it; it’s simply an inevitable result of the way you are.”

“I won’t be that way anymore.” Pink pulled her fists up toward her chest; she felt her shoulders hitch up. “I... I can change, I can be better. A real Diamond, like Blue and Yellow. Like you. I’ll show you. Just give me a chance!”

She could hear how pathetic her voice sounded, echoing in the vast chamber. She braced herself for another round of laughter; but it didn’t come. Sometimes White had it in her to be kind.

“My little Starlight,” White and Pearl cooed with one voice. “I knew you the moment you came into being. You cannot change what you are. You will always be silly, and selfish, and small.”

4.

“I’ll see you guys again soon,” the child told White as they stood in the shadow of the Diamond ship, her heels sinking into Earth’s unreliable sand. “Yellow and Blue said they want to change things so it can be better for Gems everywhere. I wanna help as much as I can.”

White glanced over at the two Diamonds standing some distance away, facing out toward the ocean. They had their heads bent together and seemed to be discussing something intently. “Yellow and Blue told you that?”

“Well, they’re probably planning to talk to you about it,” he said. “You should try to listen to them this time.”

“I always listen to them.” They hadn’t mentioned this to her in the bath. Then again, she barely understood half of what they had said to her there—a stream of incessant chatter about the child Steven, about themselves, the Earth, Pink, the Crystal Gems, recent events, things that occurred hundreds or thousands of years ago, and anecdotes that seemed unconnected to anything at all. It was impossible to follow. Why were they so intent on telling her all these things? Was this what they had wanted to talk to her about while she remained in her Head all those years?

There was something deeply unsettling about those two right now. She had never heard them go on at such length, nor seen them laugh or smile so freely, not even when Pink was with them. They were like two new Diamonds White had never met before.

The child seemed to be unconvinced. “Yeah, I mean, you should _really_ listen to them,” he said. “Listen to what they want. And what all the other Gems want. Maybe you can figure out what you want, too.”

What a silly idea—her wanting something. It would imply that she was lacking in something. She did have an urge to look at the child more closely as she spoke with him; he was so tiny. She sank down on her haunches and bent low over him, glancing to check that Yellow and Blue were still over by the water. “Steven,” she said, trying to get a feel for the unfamiliar name. “I have something to ask you.”

“Okay,” he said, “shoot.”

She gathered that this meant for her to proceed, so she did. “Did it hurt?”

From the look in his eyes, his hand hovering over his soft midsection, she realized that he was thinking of recent events—of her picking him up and separating the gem from the organic mass of his little body.

“I mean, before,” she clarified. “When you were...” She groped for the right word, glimpsed while rifling through the memories of that Pearl, Amethyst, and Fusion. “...born?”

“Oh!” His face eased into something like a smile. “I, uh... I don’t really remember.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I was a baby. Babies don’t usually remember things.”

“I see,” White said. He was so very, very tiny, barely bigger than the tip of her finger. It occurred to her that she could pick him up and carry him in the palm of her hand the way Blue did on their way to the fountain. But Steven might not welcome it, not after the last time; and in any case, it was undignified behavior for any Diamond.

On the way back to Homeworld. Yellow and Blue lapsed into silence and furtive whispers. Perhaps the prospect of dismantling everything they had ever built was filling them with trepidation; or perhaps they had simply run out of cheerful nonsense to be enthusiastic about. Their half-hearted attempts at speaking to White were easily deflected. Upon landing, they promptly made excuses to withdraw.

White was alone in her Head once again, to her immense relief, and another sensation she couldn’t quite identify.

Here, she was more than capable of remaining still for centuries, not stirring so much as an eyelash. When she had needed to look outside it had been sufficient to send Pink’s little broken Pearl with her one good eye.

She didn’t know where the Pearl was now. Perhaps with Blue or Yellow, or Steven.

She thought about Steven, that bizarre little being. She thought about how strange and permeable organic minds were. The child didn’t even remember his moment of origin, the moment Pink’s existence came to an end. White was sure even Pink could not have forgotten something so important as the moment she began to exist.

White herself remembered it perfectly, as she remembered everything perfectly.

The information was still there, in the gem now seated once again in Steven’s midsection. Long-term memories encoded in a gem could never be erased, not even with a rejuvenator. Everything Pink had ever done, everything Pink had ever been, was contained within that gem. Everything except Pink herself. The light that animated her was gone, replaced with... Steven. Even if he could access her memories, they were still not _his_ memories.

Just as White could read a Gem’s memories without being that Gem herself.

It was strange to think about. All Gems, after all, were simply imperfect refractions of the same white light that emanated from her. Assuming control of this Gem or that Gem, this Diamond or that Diamond, was no different than moving her arm. Even when not under her direct control, they still needed her guiding light in order to function as they should.

Or so she had always thought.

She had it in her to fix any flaw, being free from any flaws of her own. She knew every Gem and its purpose with absolute certainty, because that in itself was her purpose, to know. Removing their flaws was simply making them more like they were meant to be—like her.

But if, in fact, she was flawed, if she had the capacity to be wrong, then the light she poured into them was not Gemkind’s greater purpose, but just her own will, as petty and fallible as any Gem.

If she didn’t know everything, how could be certain of knowing anything? If she wasn’t capable of fulfilling her purpose, did she even have one? If she didn’t have a purpose, why did she exist?

Some time passed—she could not say how much—and then the chime rang, that familiar tone of Yellow wanting to be let in, to turn her attention to some tiresome matter that Yellow lacked the decisiveness to handle alone. White wondered if that Diamond would ever stop sniffing after her approval like some measly Peridot.

White wondered if she would ever be able to stop seeing flaws everywhere she looked, even in Yellow and Blue.

The thought of those two doing what Pink had done—leaving her behind to pursue their own happiness, to disappear from the universe—was an uncomfortable twinge in her gem.

She was not aware of sending the orb down for Yellow, but she must have done so, because suddenly Yellow was there in her Head. For a moment it seemed as if Yellow must have grown taller since the last time they had seen each other. Was that yet another change she could make? Growing taller? Then White realized that she herself was sitting on the floor. She was unused to seeing the others from such a perspective.

Yellow was not used to it either. Her eyes cast about in confusion for several seconds before falling on White down below. At that point, her befuddled look twisted into shock and apprehension. White had seen enough of fear on Yellow’s face that the expression was familiar to her.

But why should that be? Hadn’t she only ever tried to shine a light for these smaller Diamonds, to help them, to show them the errors of their ways, to lend purpose to their flawed existence? Hadn’t she only ever done what was best?

Or had she, unmindful of the flaws in her own composition, simply warped everyone else to reflect her imperfect prism?

Had she damaged them in ways that could never be repaired?

Yellow went into the corner and used the Diamond communicator to send a message. No words, just a single, urgent chime, that White knew meant _come at once_.

Then she approached White on the floor and stood there for a minute or so, brow furrowed, arms dangling awkwardly as if she had no idea what they were meant to do. Finally, she leaned down and laid a hand on White’s shoulder. It was a bizarre gesture, as devoid of sense and context as that anecdote about a Ruby that had made Blue burble with laughter in the bath. There was no way of knowing how to react to something so nonsensical, and so White said nothing, and remained still.

After a few minutes, the chime sounded again, indicating Blue’s arrival. White sent the orb to fetch her up. Perhaps _she_ would put a stop to Yellow’s irrational behavior.

Or perhaps not. Blue looked down and made an even more preposterous face. Her eyes went round as if she had never seen anything so shocking, as if she had not just shared a bath with hundreds of rebels and misshapen off-colors. “White?!”

White couldn’t take any more. “Would you stop _shrieking_ ,” she snapped. “You sound like a Pearl.” Her own voice, speaking to Blue, sounded strange and rough around the edges, like even she was becoming something unrecognizable.

“But...” Blue wrung her hands together, exchanging a dismayed glance with Yellow. “You’re... _crying_.”

White looked down. Between the cracks that Steven had made, the smooth floor reflected her ghastly, smeary face, her eyes puffy and raw with that same shameful color that had previously burned up her cheeks.

It was the first time Blue had ever managed to tell her something she did not already know.

Something so unprecedented seemed to warrant an equally unprecedented response. So White pressed her hands together over her knees to stop them from shaking, and told her first lie.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “I’m fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> As is usually the case with my fics, this spent many months as an off-and-on wip, then got jossed by the show and had to be rewritten. In this case I had to redo the entire Pink segment after “Volleyball” aired. I like it better now, though.
> 
> The stuff about Steven’s memories vs. Pink’s memories is based on a theory/headcanon I have that while Pink’s consciousness is gone, her memories are still encoded in her Gem, and Steven is able to access them through his subconscious, while his own memories are stored in his human brain.
> 
> The joke about the Ruby crossing Homeworld to get to the other side was inspired by a fancomic drawn by @loycos, which you may have seen on tumblr.


End file.
